An evening with the Barlows

Newton-le-Willows, Saturday 7th July 2007

And it was on a cool Saturday that the Allen kids headed over to the Barlows' stately home, with Matt, unfamiliar perhaps with the nuances of public transport, accidentally choosing an unorthodox route there (train to Warrington, taxi to N-le-W), Kate, unprepared to bother with public transport, getting chauffeured by the old queen, and Paul, running late as usual, literally in this case, having to leg it to the station (having been to the gym earlier).  But everyone miraculously arrived more or less in good time, whereupon we were coerced into adopting a "natural" enjoying-ourselves-round-the-table action pose.

Some odd faces ensued as AJ couldn't resist doing a little lady burp.  However, she did recover for the next shot to deliver an impeccable smile for the camera.  Mark wasn't impressed, though.

Graham being Graham, there was soon an elaborate game set up.  First, there was the Throw A Plastic Ball From A Fixed Position Into A Bucket Of Water Challenge (not shown here).  Then there was miniature cricket using a cricket set which was presumably intended for those of slightly lesser age (perhaps three and under or something) but with which we had to make a game.  It made for some amusing pictures, as we kneeled grimacingly on a blanket.  Graham (below) plays an immaculate forward defensive (as is his wont).

Young Mark was soon in on the action, brung up as he has been with a healthy fraction of the competitive streak of his father, digging in deep to defend a delivery aimed seemingly at the body.

He was then completely flummoxed by a change in cricket ball, while Paul looked on, too enthralled to go to the bathroom, squatting away for a number two in Graham's prized flower bed.

Just look at the concentration on his face, as the bowler delivers a radioactive ball...

Gamekeeper turns, um, poacher, as Graham and Paul prepare for their next delivery from Mark with remarkably similar defensive poses.  The only real difference is hair and a slightly different angle of back elbow.

Paul manages to catch the precise moment at which Matt is about to lose his stumps to a fearsome delivery from the boy Barlow, who looks on hopefully.

Katie, meanwhile, shows why sport is played predominantly by males, as she struggles in vain with her blonde mane.  She is currently auditioning for the role as drummer on the Muppet Show.

Some more efforts from the junior Allen - you can almost see her growing in confidence...

Alcohol can do strange things to a person, as demonstrated by bush-hugger Barlow, who inadvertently opens himself up from an unexpected attack from astern.

Unperturbed by such developments, Matt prepares Katie physically and mentally for the TAPBFAFPIABOW Challenge (TM) described earlier.

Graham proves that the bent-over-legs-astride pose runs in the family somewhat.  But this is how it's really done.  Note the slight bend at the knee and the tightness of the trouser material.  Textbook.  Surely the judges are going to love that one.

Matt auditions for the next UK horror flick with, well, not exactly sure what he's eating/projectile vomiting.  A cheese and pickled onion cracker sandwich, I understand (an under-rated Northern classic).

Some more miniature cricket action ensued, with Paul (who shows the benefit of working out at the dinner table) not really sure where the ball is, although from memory they were either missed or laced over extra cover at high velocity.  Oh, and there's Kate, y'know, playing a shot or summat.

Someone (by deduction, Janet) sneaked into the garden to take some shots of the action from afar.  Here is one such shot.

But enough of the fake cricket, let's get on to the real stuff.  With our collective appetite whetted by the back garden cricket action, we relocated to the front and played with a tennis ball, a larger bat and a bin for the stumps.  The neighbours may or may not have looked on alarmed.  First up, as ever, was the boy Barlow, who popped on his specs and got reet stuck in, like.

Next was the turn of young Katie Allen (well, not so young these days, but still).  Again she demonstrates a knack of not really knowing where the hell the ball is, even after all the years of hard training by her brothers.  It makes you weep, it really does.

After all this extravagant shot-making, or rather shot-attempting, we were given an object lesson in the forward defensive.  The high front elbow, the head over the ball, the lengthy front stride - truly, Chris Tavaré couldn't have done it better.  That said, it looks suspiciously like GB had let one through the gate in the second picture.  That'll be Paul's (cough) wily off-spin then, ripping one off the conducive tarmac surface.

Fed by some dross down the leg-side, however, and Graham opens out, showing his full array of shots, with a flick off the legs and a back-foot on-drive.

Then came Paul with the old one-two combo - a feeling defensive prod followed by a reckless swing across the line (with added facial expression).  Not textbook.

Next in line was the Regional and National Gurning Champion 2005 and 2006, aka Janet Barlow.  A dazzling array of faces and shots were unfurled, much to the distress/amusement/awe (delete as applicable) of the amazed onlookers.  Here are some selected highlights.  Exquisite.

In the end, Graham, whom we suspected of family favouritism, allowed Janet about 12 lives, which Kate found all rather wearying.  Not to mention the cumbersome nature of Graham's bowling action.

Matt remained thoughtful at the goings on.

But Graham continued the descent into deranged debauchery, descending into the garden to blow one off.  It took some considerable time, which, alas, is a sad reflection of the effects of the ageing process.  Somewhat disturbingly, Paul tried to video it on his phone (but didn't have the memory capacity) and Mark was poised to lend a, um, hand.

Dizzied by the relentless excitement, the ever-effervescent Mark contemplated a brief striptease to Meatloaf, the prospect of which Paul seemed rather endeared towards.

Matt looking thoughtful again.  Or perhaps mildly confused.

Round the table, Janet was painfully skewered by the wine bottle as Graham camped it up with his "Oh, I say" body language, whilst Matt's drinking style left Mark unable to control his laughter...

...which carried on relentlessly, although it suspiciously looks like he drifted into thoughts about what he would do to Ms Kate Newland when back in Leeds.  Paul could only manage a mild smile.

As energy levels dropped, so did the temperature.

Faces, faces, everywhere...

Katie objects to Matt's drinking style.  Take that!

Matt gets a cracking shot of the ball-in-a-bucket game from the reverse angle, with Paul on the other end (the ultimate winner with 15 on the trot, straight after the meal - although not without Mark trying about a million times to beat it).

Mark is clearly asking for trouble...

...definitely asking for trouble.  Paul, half asleep by now, concocts a plan...

...the dentist's chair!  Drink this, you fool!  Matt seems to relish the challenge of the role has wrist-holder.

Get him!  Drink it!  Matt's eyes burn with evil as Paul simply smiles in enjoyment.  At one point, Janet gasped seeming to want an end to the violence, but it turned out that she had a problem with the camera, so we carried on regardless.  Mark's decision to fight meant that most of the Grolsch ended down his shirt, but that's the price you pay for being a Mark.

Finally, the night drew to a close, and the kids Allen headed off to get the train, wearing and well furnished with food and alcohol...

The End.