UEFA European Football Championship 2012
The Headlines They Were Too Scared To Publish
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Contents:
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Group matches - round two
Czech Republic 2 (Jiracek 3’, Pilar 6’) Greece 1 (Gekas 53’) 12th June 2012
The footballing action continued unabated as the first round of group matches seamlessly moved into the second, which meant that it was turn once more of Group A, probably the best group for unadulterated pun action. An opening salvo from the Czech Republic was never matched by the Greeks and this ensured that the group stayed wide open going into the last round of matches.
Spaceman chewed over this one for some time whilst lying in bed (one of the best places to formulate thoughts) before coming up with:
Czechs spark Euro revival as Greece banks on final chance
This very much seemed like a financial reference jackpot as far as spaceman was concerned, tying in the Eurozone crisis with a multitude of puns.
Brunginho responded with:
Tragic Greek efforts quickly Czeched
A solid but unspectacular effort, perhaps limited by spaceman’s stealing of all the main puns. Spaceman was undeterred, as usual, and offered up:
Re: public offering, Greece face exit
A little more contrived, as was the following chess reference (also stealing the tragedy link from Brunginho it seems):
Greek tragedy from double Czechs
Overall, a stunning victory for spaceman for this game, despite finishing weakly.
Group A Poland 1 (Blaszczykowski 57’) Russia 1 (Dzagoev 37’) 12th June 2012
The other Group A match ended in stalemate and we might have expected the difficult of the surnames restricting the breadth of headlines available, but Brunginho would not be defeated:
Blaszted effort means nothing keeps Russians, Poles apart
Spaceman, meanwhile, lacking direct inspiration from the game itself, went for some overtly political references. Earlier that day, a march by thousands of Russian fans to make their national day had to be halted due to clashes with Polish fans. That led to the inevitable:
Poles halt Russian march
It also included a reference to the fact that Russia had started the tournament by impressively beating Czech Republic. Some research into just why the Polish were so annoyed at the Russians, i.e. lots of occupation, gave another headline just waiting to be concocted:
Russia keep Poland occupied
A tricky one to call this, so that probably means it’s a draw.
Portugal 3 (Pepe 24’, Postiga 36’, Varela 87’) Denmark 2 (Bendtner 41’, 80’) 13th June 2012
A bit of a goalfest for the next match in Group B. Spaceman did not have lots of inspiration, only finding a little bit when settling for:
Portugal take Pepe pill to defeat late but nearly great Danes
Brunginho meanwhile seemed fixated with pop references, firstly with:
Portu-glees as late high note sends Danish revival in a New Direction
And then with:
Five split in Portugal – Denmark; 'Take That' says Varela
Another tricky one to call, but Brunginho shades it with his off-the-wall approach.
Group B Germany 2 (Gomez 24’, 38’) Netherlands 1 (Van Persie 73’) 13th June 2012
We did not seem to suffer from a lack of inspiration for this latest game. Brunginho opened with:
Germans give Dutch a sniff, but Dutch oven becomes pressure cooker
Points deducted for double mention of Dutch. Speaking of which, spaceman had a number of suggestions, the first of which was:
Deutsch double, Dutch flat as pancake
On a roll, spaceman then suggested the slightly tasteless…
Germans show concentration, camp of Holland low
…before churning out yet another one, all of the last three featuring wily use of the comma, probably the best form of punctuation that exists right now:
Impressive German, measly Dutch
There may have been some external influence for using Super Mario here, or it may just have been one that we’d lined up for a while, but spaceman had not quite finished and had the following one to put forward:
Oranges squashed by Super Mario
The “camp of Holland low” reference perhaps then led to Brunginho finishing this crazy round with:
Flat Holland face uphill struggle
For sheer breadth (if not depth) of punnage, spaceman takes this high scoring match.
Italy 1 (Pirlo 39’) Croatia 1 (Mandzukic 72’) 14th June 2012
With ageing midfielder distributer Pirlo still providing major influence on the field, references in the headlines were inevitable. Spaceman’s new-found awareness of the Disney Junior channel had a clear influence:
Pir-less piledriver levelled by handy Mandy
Brunginho opted for playing Pirlo straight and utilising the pun elsewhere. Originally this was “nothing to Cro at” but spaceman pointed out that such a phrase did not really reflect the actual scoreline and was thus misleading, even if it did fit better with the “crow at” aspect.
Pirlo swansong something to Cro at
Spaceman scrapes this one.
Group C Spain 4 (Torres 4’, 70’, Silva 49’, Fabregas 83’) Ireland 0 14th June 2012
A thrashing for the Republic of Ireland knocked them out of the tournament. Fabregas putting the finishing touches to the scoreline enabled a few puns based on the word “four”. Spaceman opened with:
Spain's progress a four-gone conclusion as Irish green with envy
Secondary efforts by spaceman were…
Four-tune favours the Brava
…and, with a nod towards Torres’ double and, erm, Abba:
Mamma Mia! Fernando on song
The latter followed on from the song-based references that Brunginho had shoehorned into previous efforts. Brunginho’s sole effort meanwhile signalled a pleasing return to the financial references:
No Spanish bailout needed, as Ireland are first to exit the Euro
Spaceman probably shades this one too.
France 2 (Torres 4’, 70’, Silva 49’, Fabregas 83’) Ukraine 0 15th June 2012
Following a heavy storm affecting the game, and speedy French counter-attacking football, spaceman rapidly fired the opening shot in order to get first use of all the weather-based references:
Lightning French storm Uk-rain-e defence
Of course, Brunginho bemoaned this turn of events but still stuck to his rain guns (with the headline slightly edited to improve the flow – originally it was “in rain in Ukraine”):
France reign in Ukraine rain
With the advantage of going first, spaceman racks up an easy win here.
Group D England 3 (Carroll 23’, Walcott 64’, Welbeck 78’) Sweden 2 (Mellberg 49’, 59’) 15th June 2012
The inevitable rollercoaster was provided by England, who started solidly but let Sweden in, before showing atypical late game resolve. Brunginho had been waiting for this moment for most of the tournament thus far, and eagerly posted his entry:
Turn-ip for the books as England mash Swedes
Spaceman was lacking in ideas here, first trying…
Hod carriers squash Swedes
…a reference to the manager Hodgson and the workmanlike nature of the England side, before going for the more lyrical, pun-free:
England get trio thanks to Theo
Brunginho coasts to a straightforward victory in this round.
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